This year, students are encouraged to explore animation for the depiction of subjective experience. The topic of the fall 2015/ spring 2016 semester is Animating the Con/Unconscious. Students will watch and analyze animations that lie outside of mainstream production processes and that seek to avoid formulaic representations of human experiences. Similarly, students are encouraged to create works that reflect the richness -- and subjective nature -- of human experiences, personal or otherwise.Related key words are: consciousness, unconsciousness, subjective experience, desire, fantasy, autobiography, psychoanalysis, et al.
This will be the first time I use a personal theme in animation, and I'm excited because from the moment I read the assignment I knew what I wanted to talk about: Anxiety
Anxiety is one of those human experiences that aren't very pleasant not just to experience but also to talk about, and a very frustrating one too because even when you identify you are suffering from it and you rationalise the situation that's producing you anxiety, you still can't escape it. And even if it's just mental it leads to many other diseases. I know this because although I've coped with pressure, work and personal problems very well before, the last year I had lots of problems with anxiety that I couldn't understand and that took me a while to overcome. It was difficult but I also realised it's a very interesting theme that I can explore very well.
Disclaimer: I worked on these problems and my anxiety is much better now, the experiences I describe though, can be a little intense and bleak. Don't worry about me. I'm fine now. Most of these come from my journal too.
First I made a list of things that make me anxious:
- Distance <-- more about this later
- Cultural Shocks
- Loneliness
- Uncertainty
- Vulnerability <---
- Helplessness <---
When I looked at the list I also realised that some of these feelings ARE a consequence of anxiety, so it becomes a vicious circle. Then, I found an old entry in my journal about a dream that I had and that I thought was a good idea but never really used it until now. And with that as a starting point, I chose three of these triggers for anxiety for my vignettes. I will now describe each, in the order that I thought about them, which is also the order in which they are more clear to me.
1. Helplessness.
Like I said before, once upon a time, even before I had anxiety problems, I had a dream. And in that dream I was trapped inside a piñata. It sounds funny and random but it was actually terrifying.
First it was dark and I knew I was trapped in a place where I couldn't move. Whenever I moved, I felt like i oscillated and it made me feel sick. I was scared and I couldn't breathe. Just remembering the dream makes me remember THAT'S EXACTLY HOW ANXIETY ATTACKS FELT.
Later in the dream, I started to feel like someone was kicking me. And pain, actual physical pain. But at the same time I could see a light, a small hole over me. I try to reach it but I'm very tangled inside and the pain and oscillations get stronger. I finally manage to look through the hole, and by looking outside, in my dram logic, I realise I am inside a Piñata. The ridicule of the situation adds to the feeling of helplessness. And eventually the piñata breaks. This is where the dream ends.
When I think of the visuals for this, I'm not sure if i want the viewer to feel the anxiety or to watch a character experiencing it, and connect with her. Probably the second one. I want to use 3D for the character and 2D for the environment, the darkness etc. Here are some sketches and visuals that inspire me as I think of this idea. I'm still not sure how I would end it though.
2. Distance
This part is the most personal of all, but it's also the less scary one. Let me elaborate:
I've been in a couple of distance relationships, but at the moment I'm experiencing one that's stronger than the rest and that we've learned to manage and live with it. But distance has always been there and it can be very hard. Some of you maybe know what I mean, specially if you are here and left loved ones at home. The hardest part is how lonely it can be, because no matter how futuristic our times are, with video calls and telephones and 24hr chatting, the distance is still there. There's always the frustration of not being able to touch, but still have strong feelings. Many people through history have had distance relationships, I'm sure, but it seems like it's even harder now that technology can give you the false idea of closeness so easily, it's a modern sentiment.
I want to explore that frustration with an abstract piece, with figures getting very close but never touch. I still don't know how exactly though, but I have a few visual ideas. I also want to write a poem for this, a poem that's mostly made out of gibberish, somehow still talking about this. Why? Because all the information we get, and all the communication sometimes is reduced to gibberish, and also because I love the Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Finally, I will read this poem, and ask my significant other to read it too, and overlap both of them, editing the animation based on the sounds. This needs work.
3. Vulnerability
*Disclaimer two, this part can be a little disturbing.
And finally, the last one. I want to go back to a theme that annoys me and causes insecurity, self awareness, anger and of course, anxiety: the feeling of vulnerability in the street. As many of you must know, Mexico is not very safe right now. Specially where I'm from, there are things that are normal to me like being always alert, never go out alone after certain hours, never drive by myself, keeping two wallets, etc. But being a woman, these vulnerable feeling is multiplied because of the powerlessness of being able to defend myself in many of the terrible situations that we have to face. I have to say that out of luck and being careful, I have never been through something serious myself, but I have close friends who have been mugged or even kidnapped, and we have all heard gunshots in the street and seen people dead.
But there is something that has bothered me for the longest time, and that I experienced not only in Mexico but everywhere in the world that I have been, including New York: Catcalls. According to google to catcall is to "make a whistle, shout, or comment of a sexual nature to a woman passing by" It doesn't sound very menacing, but if you are a woman, and according to StopStreetHarassment.org , 90% of the women just here in the US have experienced some sort of catcall or harassment while walking in the street. From whistles, to comments and sometimes even groping, this issue like I said has bothered me for a long time. In 2014 I had enough, I was tired of it, I had to do something, but I didn't even know what or where to start.
I started by talking to people about it, I realised all of my female friends found it annoying, made them feel vulnerable and scared that it would lead to something more aggressive. Some of my male friends agreed that it was terrible and they never did it, but some others didn't understand why it bothered me so much. Why I didn't just take the "compliment"
I started a project for my senior year in college, it was an ethics class. I conducted a few surveys locally and did research. I left a space open for comments and for whoever wanted to share their experience, and I was overwhelmed with the results. It was even worse that I thought and it didn't even matter what age you were, or how you looked, it was happening to everyone. But the worst part is that everybody hated it but we all kind of accepted it, with resignation. I presented my results to my class, suggesting that the first step towards changing this was accepting it was happening and it was a problem. Some of my (male) classmates laughed at me during the presentation. Some of my female classmates approached me after and told me some of their own experiences, and how they had never thought there was a way to fight it. I think this can arise a lot of conversation and I'm excited to have it.
Now, back to the animation, I know it won't change the world but it's a very personal thing that I need to put out there somehow. The problem is that it's been tried to be made before with videos , campaigns and animations, so I'm not sure yet of my approach. I know I want it to be 3D and to take some of the bleakness I want to make it a comedy. Might start with something as basic as a girl walking. This needs work but I believe it can turn into something solid.
Well, I know this was a long post, but I would like to know what you guys think of my ideas, proposals, etc. And I really hope I didn't depress you. I'm a very happy and bubbly person most of the time, but I feel like this is a great opportunity to go deeper and talk about themes that mean a lot to me. Thanks for reading.
